Ever since I was little and started going to Sunday school, I knew I wouldn't wait til marriage to lose my virginity. I knew I couldn't, I wouldn't be able to. Even at a young age, I knew how important sex was to a human being. Even though I knew this, I also told myself that although I wouldn't wait til marriage, that I would only sleep with men I was in love with. Well, in March of 2004, I lost my virginity, I was 15. I, by no means, regret my choice, I was in love with him. I do, however, regret not being able to tell my mother, but what can I do? My "sexploration" came to a halt in April of 2005. I went about a year and 4 months without having sex. Then in august of 2006, I had sex with my neighbor, Jake Pyle. It was a one night stand, and after I figured that out, I was hurt deeply. After that, I went a few more months without sexualizing with another guy. In november I had sex with new guy, Thomas [I refuse to put his last name because I'm ashamed of having sex with him.] He was a terrible lay. Oh well. There goes my once-in-a-lifetime pity-fuck. And finally, after 6 months of trying to get together, I finally slept with Nyle. On the last day of 2006.
Since my relationship-sex, I've had 3 one night stands. THREE. I feel almost ashamed to have slept with that amount. If a friend came to me and said she had slept with 4 guys, I would say it's not a big number. It really isn't. But for me, it is.
My new years resolution was to not have sex with any guy who wasn't my boyfriend. But I feel like that will soon be broken. I hope it isn't, and i'll try really hard not to break it.
I've been feeling weird lately. I've gotten my heart-flutters back...but i'm not seeing anyone. I feel like i'm in love...but I have no one to be in love with. Maybe it's a sign that someone will pop up soon enough? I hope so...I want someone to love, and someone to love me.