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Destroyer. Lover.

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Awkward [16 Sep 2007|08:02pm]
Shit. Seriously? C'mon, seriously? There is absolutely no way that this is still going on. It's been about a hundred years! How is it possible? I thought the feelings were gone. I'm so confused. It's like, do I still have these feelings? And if I do, does he have them back? If its not feelings, then what is it? And is it normal, or am I crazy? This shit sucks. Theres no other way to put it. If I cut it off, and re-open those skeletons, then I lose. I can't do that. I can't let everyone know that I still have this going on in my mind. I don't know what to do. Fuck.
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Ugh. [04 Sep 2007|01:15am]
I cant do it anymore. My heart aches too much and I cannot bear it any longer. I can no longer waste my time caring for you. I spent so much wasted time and energy doing so, and what did it get me? Any angry adolescent who knows nothing of commitment, love, or even himself. And what good would that person do me? Nothing. I don't want that. I don't need that. I deserve better than that.

I am done with stupid, immature teenage boys. Grow the fuck up. Get over yourself. You are no better than a boy who hits a girl. You are no better than a boy who deserts a girl when she needs him most. You put yourself up on this pedestal, where you do not belong. You are no better than the dirt on the ground.
I do not blame you though. I can't. It isn't your fault that you're this way. No, of course not. You're parents deserted you. You have never seen real commitment, real love. I would have shown you, I tried to show you. It is not my fault that you are blinded by your own vanity, by your own self-importance.


Help yourself, because I cannot do it.




I do this shit all the fucking damn time.
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i've turned into a slut [12 Jan 2007|12:03am]

Ever since I was little and started going to Sunday school, I knew I wouldn't wait til marriage to lose my virginity. I knew I couldn't, I wouldn't be able to. Even at a young age, I knew how important sex was to a human being. Even though I knew this, I also told myself that although I wouldn't wait til marriage, that I would only sleep with men I was in love with. Well, in March of 2004, I lost my virginity, I was 15. I, by no means, regret my choice, I was in love with him. I do, however, regret not being able to tell my mother, but what can I do? My "sexploration" came to a halt in April of 2005. I went about a year and 4 months without having sex. Then in august of 2006, I had sex with my neighbor, Jake Pyle. It was a one night stand, and after I figured that out, I was hurt deeply. After that, I went a few more months without sexualizing with another guy. In november I had sex with new guy, Thomas [I refuse to put his last name because I'm ashamed of having sex with him.] He was a terrible lay. Oh well. There goes my once-in-a-lifetime pity-fuck. And finally, after 6 months of trying to get together, I finally slept with Nyle. On the last day of 2006. 


Since my relationship-sex, I've had 3 one night stands. THREE. I feel almost ashamed to have slept with that amount. If a friend came to me and said she had slept with 4 guys, I would say it's not a big number. It really isn't. But for me, it is. 

My new years resolution was to not have sex with any guy who wasn't my boyfriend. But I feel like that will soon be broken. I hope it isn't, and i'll try really hard not to break it.



I've been feeling weird lately. I've gotten my heart-flutters back...but i'm not seeing anyone. I feel like i'm in love...but I have no one to be in love with. Maybe it's a sign that someone will pop up soon enough? I hope so...I want someone to love, and someone to love me.

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OMFG [11 Sep 2006|01:12am]
I had to let everyone know I got laid. Just letting everyone know. It happened on the 26th, but i just now felt like letting all of LIVEJOURNAL know. Oh? And guess who it was with!


I was so used to sex lasting only a couple seconds long [sorry J, but im not going to lie lol], and he lasted fucking forever. it was incredible. ahahaha =DDDD
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SEX [31 Jul 2006|01:34am]

Watch the sunrise
Say your goodbyes
Off we go
Some conversation
No contemplation
Hit the road

Car overheats
Jump out of my seat
On the side of the highway baby
Our road is long
Your hold is strong
Please don't ever let go Oh No

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
But can they keep it
Oh No they can't

I'm driving fast now
Don't think I know how to go slow
Where you at now
I feel around
There you are

Cool these engines
Calm these jets

I ask you how hot can it get
And as you wipe off beads of sweat
Slowly you say "I'm not there yet!"

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
But can they keep it
Oh No they can't

______________________________________________________________
Where you are seems to be
As far as an eternity

Outstretched arms open hearts
And if it never ends then when do we start?
I'll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye
and just fly away
When you comeback
I have some things to say


How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home?
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I
Dream away everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain that drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart

I'll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever, ever, ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye
and just fly away
When you comeback
I have some things to say

How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home?
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I feel.

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i'm going to love you with my life [30 Jul 2006|02:52pm]

when i made up my mind
and my heart along with that

to live not for myself
but yet for God
somebody said
"do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

when i finally ironed out
all of my priorities

and asked God to remove the doubt
that makes me so unsure of these
things i ask myself

i ask myself
"do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

i'm getting into you
because you got to me
in a way words can't describe
i'm getting into you
because i've got to be

you're essential to survive
i'm going to love you with my life

when he looked at me and said
"i kind of view you as a son"
and for one second I was mad
and i met that with the question
"do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

i'm getting into you
because you got to me

in a way words can't describe
i'm getting into you
because i've got to be
you're essential to survive
i'm going to love you with my life

i've been a liar and i'll never amount to
the kind of person you deserve to worship you
you say you will not dwell on what i did
but rather what i do
you say
"i love you and that's what you are getting yourself into"

i'm getting into you (getting into you)
because you got to me (because you got to me)

in a way words can't describe
i'm getting into you (getting into you)
because i've got to be (because i've got to be)

you're essential to survive
i'm going to love you with my life

i'm getting into you (getting into you)
because you got to me (because you got to me)

in a way words can't describe
i'm getting into you (getting into you)
because i've got to be (because i've got to be)
you're essential to survive
i'm going to love you with my life

you said "i love you and that's what you are getting yourself into"

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a mix [15 Jul 2006|10:14pm]

We're kissing without kissing,
And got it down to a fine art
Love's supposed to keep you young and frisky,
But we grew up and wide apart
Not now, not ever, no… it's never a good time
How will the good times ever roll on?
Comparing photos then and now, now and then,
Just wondering…(wondering) where it all went wrong

Low light…mercury morning…
No need to stay as it’s always nothing.
But your eyes tell a whole other storyand I feel the weight of the world.
You Won’t talk…You Won’t try…just move…
It’s too still in your sadness.
Cry…give up…it’s okay…
You’ve just got to trust me.


Alright then, (alright then.)
I could keep your number for a rainy day.
That's where this ends.
No mistakes no misbehaving.
I was doing so well.
Could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it’s not meant to be like this,
It's just what I don't need.
Why make me feel like this?
It's definitely all your fault.

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Love at its best [23 Jun 2006|02:32am]
[ mood | alive ]

Love feels like heartbreak and heartbeat.
It feels like uncontented happiness.
It's warmth and aching.
With each blink of the eye,
the heart races.
With each smile,
the heart races.
With each held hand,
the heart races.
Each steamy glance,
and lock of lips,
the heart races.
Each ragged breath,
and steady climb,
the heart races.
With each thrust to the core,
my heart races.
Love is smiles, laughs, stolen moments, inside secrets.
Love is hands, sweat, bodies, breathes, puzzle peices, passion.
Love makes the heart beat faster and slower at the same time.
It is a giggle, or a hidden kiss.
Love makes your pulse quicken.
It makes your days brighter.
Love makes you feel alive. 
Love makes you enjoy every moment.
Without love, there is nothing.
Love grows. 
Love is worth living for,
worth dieing for.
Love is life.
Love is forever.


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what i go for: [11 Jun 2006|01:54am]

i like the nice guys.
i like the guys who will ask if youre ok.
i like the guys who will hug you when you need it
and back off when you don't.
i like the guys who pay for me.
i like the guys who don't know i just snuck money into your wallet.
i like the guys who giggle.
i like the guys who laugh at everything.
i like the guys who don't care about my baggage
emotional or physical.
i like the boys who love my parents
and call the mom and dad.
i like the guys who are close with my friends.

i like the bad boys.
i like the boys who break the law
but only in a not-so-bad way.
i like the boys who rebel.
i like the boys who stand up for what they believe in.
i like the boys who can hold moer liquor than me.
i like the boys who put up a fight.
i like the boys who fight for me.
i like the boys who box
and know how to fight.
i like the boys who are hardasses.
i like the boys who go for thrill rides and
drive motorcycles or ATVs.
i like the boys who are strong
both in mind and body.


but most of all...
i love the men who treat me with respect.
i love the men who let me be who i am,
without trying to change me.
i love the men who protect me,
but let me protect myself too.

i love the men who dont judge me.
and
i love the men who love me for me.

 

 

totally written by me too.

=]

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=] [04 Jun 2006|12:44am]

THANK YOU.
=]




p.s. i like him lots.
=]

[giggles like school girl.]
=]

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FUCK [27 May 2006|12:30am]

damn it. i don't want to see you anymore.
i want you out of my sentences, my head, and most of all, my heart. 
i don't see you anymore, not physically...
but i see you when i don't expect to, when i don't want to...when i close my eyes
fuck. 
i don't want you back god damn it. i don't. 
i want to be nice to you. but i can't do that without you and everyone else thinking i want you back. 
you hurt me too much, and yes, it has been awhile...
but what you did to me...it takes years to get over. 
i might never be over it. 

fuck you for hurting me. fuck you for doing that. fuck you for leaving me alone. 
fuck you for deserting me when i needed you most. fuck you for scarring me for life. 
fuck you for takeing a peice of me i want back. 
fuck you for making me love you. 
but most of all...fuck you for not letting me let go.

I hate the way you talk to me, 
and the way you cut your hair. 
I hate the way you drive my car. 
I hate it when you stare. 
I hate your big dumb combat boots, 
and the way you read my mind. 
I hate you so much it makes me sick; 
it even makes me rhyme. 
I hate the way you're always right. 
I hate it when you lie. 
I hate it when you make me laugh, 
even worse when you make me cry
I hate it that you're not around, 
and the fact that you didn't call. 
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. 
Not even close, 
not even a little bit, 
not even at all. 

I thought that fit the mood. fuck.

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last day [18 May 2006|12:07am]
[ mood | depressed ]

sad day.
whats there to say?
ill miss everyone.

and ill miss you.
even if i shouldnt.
even if its wrong.
even if i cant.
i will.
ill miss you.
ill never see you again.

 

 

Cant believe its actually over.
We've waited 18 years for this.
We've been through the good times
and the bad.
old
friendships.
new ones.
broken ones.
strong ones.
We've been through the lovers
and the breakups. 
We've been in and out of love. 
Everything we've ever known 
Happened in high school.
Loss. Happiness. Desire.
Everything. 
At its come to an end.

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RIP Charlie 01.21.84 - 05.14.06 [15 May 2006|04:00pm]

Charlie died last night. I can't believe it. I'm not ready for all of this. I can't take it. Right after prom, and right before graduation. I can't believe it. This past week has sucked a lot. 
First it was my brother and the fight
Then it was Lucas and the fight
Then what happened with Jesse
Then Melissa and the fight
Then Bobby and the fight
Now Charlie dieing.

What makes anyone think I can take that? I can't take that. 
He was there for me when no one else was. When everyone left my side. When I turned my back on the world, he was there to face me. He covered me, shielded me. He helped me through so much, and I took advantage of that. 

I am so sorry for what I've done Charlie. As much as we had our differences, I would have never wished this on you or your family. Your parents must be going through hell, losing three sons in 10 years. Thats difficult. Please dont have left me anything, I don't deserve anything from you. 

I love you
Always have, Always will.

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.001 =[ [11 May 2006|04:28pm]
I found out today about what happened. It made me so upset, and I spent all of fourth hour crying my eyes out. But it isn't about me. It's about you. I am so sorry. You don't deserve this pain, and I am so sorry. My heart broke for you. I can't imagine what it's like. I still can't believe it. I really hope you read this. My heart goes out to you.

I love you.
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please read this. [25 Apr 2006|09:58pm]
anyone can read this, but you'll know if your the one meant for it.

I've made many mistakes in my life. I only regret one. You know which one that is. I wish I could just shout it at the top of my lungs, to just tell everyone. I'm sick of keeping it a secret. Im sick of saving you. You hurt me so bad. So bad that I am still healing, and it feels like the process is just starting. My heart breaks whenever I see one. And I see them a lot. It hurts me so much that you feel that way towards me. I didn't do anything to you. I never lied to you. I always told you the truth. I loved you for the longest time. You never loved me. You pretended to. You said you did, even now you might say that you were, or you thought you wear, but it was your biggest pretend. I just want the pain to stop, to leave me alone. But it cant, because you cant forgive me. You cant let me be. Im not the best person in the world, I know that. And i'll be honest, I want you to hurt as badly as I did. It kills me that youre not bothered by what happened, by what I did. I did it for you. I wish I didn't. I wish I never made that mistake. And you're not the one thats going to pay the price, I am. And I pay it everyday. You can't even be thankful. I want you to be pained, _____. I want you to feel bad. I want you to cry about it. I do. I do every day. It's not about us. It was never about us. You know exactly what it was about. People hug me about it, they let me cry on their shoulder about it. But it was never their job to do that. It was never Charlies job. It was only yours. It was always simple, and you had to be so stubborn. You couldn't do it. You chose not to do it. Of course, I am thankful that these people try to understand my pain, they let me grieve. But I need it from you. Until then, I will only keep hurting. I need to be forgiven and I need understanding. I need you to help me come to terms with what happened, but you're too damned stubborn. Can't you just for once, think of me and not your pride? If you know who I'm talking about, can you help me out? Please. I need this more than I need air.
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[26 Mar 2006|05:43pm]


cute?
i think so.
from left to right:
david, melissa, emily, me, me, lauren, jess, me, kris, danny, geo, jen
♥
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crunk 3/25/06! [26 Mar 2006|01:47pm]

so here are some pictures of my crazy saturday:


Lucas, Me, and Zach
[i look REALLY bad. lol. see my doubles!!]




Jess and Lucas


I think this is the weirdest picture ive ever been in:


Jesse Lucas Me 
[gotta have the kiss pic]
[lucas is so nice he gave me his jakcet <3]


SUGAR SHOTS!!!!!



Zach and Me
[while i was doing this sugar shot, i definitely felt someone under my arm....
and it wasnt his leg, atleast not his walking kind.]


Lucas and Lauren in the back of Todd



So it started off where I went to Jessicas house and we were debating what to do. and I had to bring lucas cuz hes new to cooper and hes my brasiliero friend and i needed to get him situated. so Jess and Lucas and I went to Don Carter to wait for these other kids, 3 girls and 2 boys. I only know the names of the boys Luke and Zach. so were all drinkin outside and this guy comes outside, and Zach [ whow orks at don carter] was all BARRY!!!!! cuz he though it wa shis friend. And it turned out it wasnt barry,and it was security guard, so we left in a hurry before the guy could get to us. And it was scary for me cuz i was driving todd and all the stuff was open in my trunk and i didnt want anything to spill [the only thing that spilled was some beer, but it was barely anything. So instead, we go to a park and were all havin fun doing body shots and sugar shots and running around doing silly things. it was fun [although i didnt drink that much cuz i was driving, and atthe end of the night when we had to leave i was completely sober. so anyways. i took everyone home, and talked to lucas for awhile cuz he lives really close to me and yeah. it was so much fun lol....a little cold but fun. i think were on to do it again next weekend!!!!
<3



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[23 Mar 2006|05:26pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

i cant wait til tomorrow. its friday, and friday means party. i have a stash in my closet right now, bacardi razz, bacardi limon, coronas [<3], and grey goose. omfg, i love to party lol.


COUNTDOWNS
1 day til friday [party]
2 days til saturday[party!!!]
11 days left til spring break.
4 weeks til grad bash [excluding spring break].
33 school days left til graduation [excluding spring break].
4.5 years til my move across the atlantic [fucking YES!]


cant wait. ugh. bliss.

anyways, i dont know if i updated this a lil while ago, but me and justin broke up. i did the breaking. he turned out to be a lot like my past serious relationships. every boyfriend ive had [with the exception of mike and miles] has abused me in one way or another. some more than others. and ill give him some respect and say he only hit me once, although he emotionally abused me way more than that. So Justin followed in Charlies footsteps...so I squared him in the face. Doesnt really matter though, im in love with someone else. We'll call him Dave. and hes amazing. better than any guy I have ever met in my life. =]


who wants to party this weekend?!?!??!?!
I HAVE A HUGE STASH! lol
you know my number =]



CORONA ♥

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hey! [21 Mar 2006|06:15pm]
so whatsup?
ok, seriously, ive been having so much fun lately! i finally got a car!!!! KSJDFKASDFHKAFHKJAHJKF FUCK YEAH
i think i posted a picture? If i didn't its on my myspace. His name is Todd and hes a red 2006 volvo s40. and hes amazing. the one downside is during the day [ except mondays/tuesdays ] my dad has him. after 6pm hes all mine. =] i fucking love him.


on a good note: I GOT GOOD GRADES! except for fucking albert, hes gay. like...litterally.

on top of that, ive been sated. =]

psst! I GRADUATE IN LIKE...8 WEEKS.
hey...SPRING BREAK IS IN 3 WEEKS!

i should be getting a tattoo soon.
and then im going to college
AND THEN IM MOVING TO PORTUGAL FUCKING YES!
fuck the coop.
good memoriesbad memories
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me and mah JJ [22 Feb 2006|08:41pm]




so he rocks a lot. and i love him a lot.
and hes adorable.
and thats a terrible picture because my phone takes 
terrible pictures.
[and his eyes look brown instead of green :( ]
but hes still a cutie
and omg his lips
kldfjkshdfldhsfkjhf
dont even get me started on the lips
holy fucking shit.


anyways, i stayed home from school today
and then at 1, my mom left, so at 1:30 Mah JJ
came over, and took me out for ice cream
[ best way to cure a sore throat :) ]
and we had fun, of course. =]
and then we took a bunch of pictures at his moms house
with our cell phones
and it was just a jolly day.
and he makes me smile non stop.


anyways, i have a job interview tomorrow.
at THE FRESH MARKET
and if i get the job
you guys better fucking visit me when i work
NOT YET THOUGH...I DONT WANNA GET IN TROUBLE
so yeah. 
good week
good day
good night.
=]
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